SO YOU'RE NOT A VIRGIN
So you’re a Christian, you’re not married & you’re NOT a Virgin. This is for you.
You see the name of this blog “Virgin Diaries” and avoid it like skin-colour leggings. You think to yourself, “Oh great. Here we go again, another purity blog that’ll make me feel bad about myself and all the things I shouldn’t have done. I bet ya it’s written by some goodie two shoes, uptight, Christian prude who thinks sex is a dirty word and her idea of fun is singing kumbaya by the campfire.”
Guess what. That’s bull.
Firstly I am a NOT a goodie two shoes. I have made plenty of mistakes and still do. I’m not a prude; ask my husband. And I think sex is a GOOD THING! But there’s a specific context that will allow you to experience it in a safe, healthy and satisfying way! This blog is not just for the perfect little Christian who’s never been kissed (because that would exclude me! I kissed most of the guys in my grade at one point in high school. Yep. Eek).
So gorgeous girl (or cool young man!), you are not less of a person (let alone less of a Christian) because of your past choices or your sexual status. No behaviour can disqualify you from the grace of God or the purpose He has for your life. My desire for this blog is to not just encourage you about your future choices but to remind you, YOU ARE NOT DEFINED BY YOUR PREVIOUS ONES.
God can make all things New!
When you ask God for forgiveness, He gives it. And then some.
When you ask God to restore, He does a full renovation.
When you ask God for a second chance, He’ll give you three….or four….or five… to infinity and beyond.
Genuine repentance often leads to a change of heart and action! But God always meets us where we are at!
Let this reveal to you the unrelenting love of a Saviour that is willing to get down in the dirt, cover our shame and whisper to us “I do not condemn you".
Some of Jesus’ strongest women disciples, such as Mary Magdalene and the Woman at the Well were NOT virgins. Yet Jesus recognised their repentant hearts and they went on to change history! You can too.
In the last few weeks I have received dozens of emails from young women who have found themselves in similar situations. I would love to share their stories with you.
(Used with permission. Names have been changed).
Dear Sabrina, I came across your blog after seeing a post on Facebook by a friend on your article about waiting for sex until you’re married. I come from a Christian background and always believed that I would save myself for marriage. And well, my life has taken a few knocks with regard to this.
I’m 24 years old and I’ve slept with two guys, both were long term relationships. None the less, I didn’t keep my promise. And well I threw in the towel afterwards. My relationship with God took a huge hit during my years at university and I had to turn off my emotions to block out the pain, guilt and shame I felt. I knew my parents thought I was still their innocent little daughter and I think that is what killed me most. (I’ve since come clean to them about this, God’s mercy and grace covers all).
In the last year, I broke up with my boyfriend. Rededicated my life to God and He knew exactly what I needed, because He sent me the most amazing Christian guy. So, here is the reason why I am writing this email… I have been struggling with the fact that I have this tainted past and that I am no longer a virgin.
When our friendship started progressing into more of a ‘relationship’, I could feel the shame creeping back in my life. I felt like every time he looked at me, I was transparent, and he’d see all my skeletons, like black spots all over a white dress. This has made me fully aware of the sexual baggage I have – baggage I no longer wish to carry around. I don’t know what my guy’s history is with regard to relationships and sexuality. We haven’t spoken about it. I think more because we are afraid of what the other person is going to say or think or feel… I feel like I’ve met the guy of my dreams, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I don’t know when I should be honest about this with him. I know it is in my past. Only through the grace of God have I been able to forgive myself for these transgressions and move on without feeling the constant shame and guilt.
How do I deal with this? I trust that God is in control of the situation and that His grace is sufficient for me. I want to be a reflection of Christ, and the changes I’ve made in my life the past 6 months have helped me to become more like Christ and to be the person God intended me to be – happy, fun, charismatic, spontaneous and outgoing. I feel like God has wiped clean my slate, and has given me a new heart and He has forgiven me for my past sins. Is it necessary to address these issues in a relationship? I am not the person I was six months, one year, five years ago. I am not the silly girl any more who chased after boys and gave myself to get love. How do I approach this and not allow myself to feel judged?”
Thanks so much for your email babe! So excited that you’ve opened up your life again to God and you’ve met a great young guy. I just really felt to tell you that even though you’re not a virgin, it doesn’t matter. God makes you PURE again. Jesus offers us all a clean slate, a fresh start, a new beginning. He offers every one of us RIGHT NOW, BRAND NEW! He offers us untouched, uncompromised, unused, mint-condition, still-in-the-plastic-wrapper NEW. He makes us ‘white as driven snow’ and we need to see ourselves as such in our heart of hearts. We need to receive that grace of BRAND NEW, the grace of PURE.
God’s voice never condemns us and makes us feel guilty. He is gentle and loving. If you are hearing things like that you need shut it out. That’s the enemies’ voice. There is a great book I read recently called “Crash the Chatterbox” Hearing Gods voice above all the rest. It is an amazing book! If you can get your hands on it I totally recommend it! (It’s By Steven Furtick).
Your biggest mistake can be your greatest lesson. It can teach you how loving and gracious God is! You can share that love! Your future is bright! One day you will bless hundreds of girls with your story of redemption.
Much Love, Sabrina x
A message from Annabel.
I need some advice. I’m going to be really honest with you, sorry if it freaks you out. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this.
I lost my virginity when I was 15. Throughout my teen years, I was continually letting boys use me. My dad passed away when I was 10 and I was trying to find love from a male, wherever I could find it. I became a Christian when I was 18 and stopped having sex. I am now 20.
December last year, I started dating a close Christian friend of mine. We were head over heels for each other. Things escalated pretty quickly. Every day he was telling me how excited he was to marry me, we were planning kids names and church plants, his parents were calling me their daughter, he told me he had planned when he was going propose to me and suggested we get a joint bank account to start saving for the wedding. He treated me like a princess in every aspect except when it came to purity. We stepped over the line a couple of times but got back on track and were committed to doing things right.
I then found out he had lied to me about his sexual past and had slept with a mutual friend of ours a few months before we started dating. I became really insecure and I was still battling with some daddy issues I hadn’t dealt with. So I did the only thing I knew to do to try to make him love me, which was to give myself to him physically. I told him I was comfortable with anything as long as we didn’t actually have sex. He promised me we wouldn’t and I was silly enough to trust him. Whenever we would do ‘stuff’, afterwards my mood would shift and I would become really down. He’d ask me what was wrong and I’d tell him that when we do that stuff it makes me upset, he’d apologise and say it wouldn’t happen again. One night things got heated, clothes came off and he had sex with me without my consent. I was so stupid to let myself get into that situation. We got into a big argument and the next day he came over with flowers, apologised, said it would never happen again (even though it did) and I suppressed the memory.
A little while later he broke up with me and a week later started seeing another girl, who is a beautiful worship leader, who has been in church all her life and had never kissed a boy. I hear people talking about how he treats her with so much dignity and respect, and how he is so careful not to cross the line with her because she is so pure.
I feel like used goods. He knew about my past, my insecurities, and the things I was struggling with and still he let it go too far. It’s like because I wasn’t a virgin he didn’t care about my purity. I’m not saying it's all his fault; I am just as much to blame, it was also my responsibility. And I’m working really hard on forgiving him, most days now I’m not mad or upset at him at all. I just feel that because I wasn’t a virgin he didn’t see my worth or that there was any value in me and I’m afraid that no other guy will either. My Christian guy friends say they would much prefer to marry virgins and they would find it difficult if they weren’t. I understand that once you accept Jesus into your life you are a new creation. But I stuffed up after I became Christian so what does that mean? Have I ruined the new creation I was given? I’m so mad at myself. I know God has forgiven me but still I feel so much guilt and shame. I have misused God's temple and gave away what was meant for my husband. I’ve lost my value. I don’t see how any Christian man would want me now.
Sorry for the rant,
I just don’t know what to do.
Thanks for your message sweet girl. Firstly, I am so so sorry about your dad passing away. That is such a tough thing to go through and I can’t imagine the sense of loss that would leave. I personally haven’t experienced that but I have gone through other things that have left me feeling broken & alone. My parents split a month before my wedding and my mum moved half way across the world to Germany and I’ve barely seen her since. I know it’s not the same as a death but in my situation God has been my comfort and peace. And I know He can be the same to you. He is the best dad we can ever have.
About this guy! Wow, from what you’re telling me he really did not treat you the way he should have! Part of me wants to find him and punch him in the face! ;( Have you spoken to anyone about what happened between you guys? I think it is so important to talk to someone you trust. Is there a pastor? A leader in your church that you would feel comfortable talking to about this? If he did things to you without your consent, that is NOT OK! That is never ok.
Listen babe. What he did says more about him and less about you. I understand how guys can push the boundaries sexually and it can leave us feeling guilty.
I have been there. And I was a Christian! God doesn’t just give us His grace and forgiveness for our past. He gives it for our present! (When we are saved). And He gives it for our future! Just because you are a Christian does not mean that you will live a perfect life. That is why God’s unconditional love is SOOOOOOO AMAZING!
You are not damaged goods. You can be made whole and you can make a wonderful wife one day. Does that mean you’ll just forget about everything and be ok? No. I think that it will take time to heal, it will take GOD to heal. You’ll have to forgive yourself and forgive this guy, which is really about you. Because the more you hang onto it, the more hurt, the more bitterness and resentment will eat you up. Unforgiveness is like taking a poison pill and expecting the other person to die. You are the one that suffers. Sometimes you have to say I forgive you, even when you don’t feel it and even if the other person is NOT sorry (It is not easy but it necessary to move on).
Have you ever thought about seeing a good Christian counsellor? I go and see one regularly about some of the issues in my life and it has made a tremendous difference! It can really get to the root of a lot of issues. Sometimes our behaviour is just a reflection of a need that has not been met.
Annabel. YOU WILL NEVER LOSE YOUR VALUE. Because your value is based on how much someone would pay for you. And Jesus gave His life. You are of infinite price.
Much love! If I was near you, I would give you a big bear hug girl!!!
A message from Ella.
Hi, my name is Ella and I’m 22. I’m not a virgin and only came back to truly following Christ six months ago. After watching your ‘just sex’ video, I left feeling inadequate about myself and couldn’t understand why.
All of my Christian friends are virgins and loved your video and are so passionate about waiting for marriage and this made me feel left out, angry and disappointed with myself. After wrestling with this feeling and following your page, the last few months I have never felt more encouraged to claim back my purity and find how Christ see’s me.
Last night walking into church I just delighted on God and was thankful for His graciousness and for the first time in my entire life I felt like a virgin. I felt that I had my purity and virginity back (I had been praying for a long time about this). I also had no shame or doubt that God had changed something within me.
I just want to say thank you, the encouragement that you post here has challenged me and built me up to remind me of who my Creator made me to be and how to respect myself (which with the amount of people I slept with was hard to overcome).
Although I’m on the other side of the scale, I want to now let girls who aren’t virgins find their worth in Christ and claim back their purity. So thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s changed my life in such a huge way.
Your story isn’t over. You hold the pen. Go on, re-write your end.