My personal journey has been a constant and epic battle between my heart and my head, neurons vs. aortic valves. Growing up in a church I was your typical service attending, volunteering in the toddler room at 8 and checking myself in and out of the kids program kid. The things of God were a foundational knowledge in my life, but I still didn’t totally get it. At 14 I encountered the total love of God in a way that totally took hold of my heart. From that point onward I’ve been on a constant journey with God where at every step I’ve had to align my head and my heart together.
In school I was untouchable, protected by my parents boundaries of not dating until I was 18. I remember, a couple weeks after my graduation I was asked on a date so naturally I went to my mother and the conversation went something like this… “Hey mum, ‘old mate’ asked me out on a date.”
“So are you going to go? Did you say yes?”
“What do you mean, mum? I’m not 18 yet… I can't right?”
“Ha! You can go out with him, I trust you to make your own decision.”
I’m not totally proud of what I did next but that conversation did end with me laying on the kitchen table yelling “I NEED BOUNDARIES, MUM”.
You see at that moment I realized I was no longer protected by the excuse of my parents rules… I became… a decision making adult… it was literally worse than the first time I had to go to the dentist without mum.
In the 2 years following I dated 3 of the most incredible, Godly, good-looking and grounded men I have ever met. Yet, I’m not with any of them. Strange, huh? Each relationship was the same battle – heart vs. head. And it went like this…
Enter head, full of hope and endless possibility, already planning it's dream interest wedding on a secret board. Then appears the heart, curious but cautious, willing but on the defense. Every box was ticked, the head was happy. But something never felt quite right. It didn’t make sense that the heart wasn’t going where the head was leading, by any other means they were categorically perfect. A few months of living in denial and waiting on the Holy Spirit to give me peace and I ended them.
Here’s the thing I learnt (and am continuing to learn), unless your heart is in it, no amount of good things will ever be enough. This is true with both God and relationships. You can know everything about God, but until you give him your heart and experience His love, what’s the point? Secondly, God will not always say yes, but He will always say no. Get to know the peace of God, it will guide and provide for you! And lastly, give yourself a break! At the end of the day, a lot of things in this world we experience actually wont make sense, but we need to be trusting is God EVERY step of the way, in EVERY area of our lives. Lack of trust in God looks like settling, and you were created for so much more than that! Remember that God is fighting for you and He wants the best for you, so take Him on this journey with you x