S.E.X. It's amazing how this three letter word can carry such weight. How it can bring such joy, such love, such delight, yet likewise carry such heartache, such pain, such sorrow. At the age of four this little word became an ugly one (I was not raped, but my innocence was stolen). I felt all that was good about sex was taken, the door was opened and would never again be shut. Fear was so deeply ingrained in me and the way I would grow to find meaning and search for my identity was tainted. My childhood would be overshadowed by the dark cloud of abuse.
i grew with the thought that this three letter word belonged to men. that it was never mine to give but instead was there to be taken. i was desperate to be loved and needed. i longed to feel accepted, so EVENTUALLY i let it be taken.
Over and over. I was left feeling empty and cold. Feeling more rejected and unwanted than ever. Sex was just an act, a meaningless hurtful act that meant nothing to me but pain. The enemy had come like a theif in the night and stole what God had created for good. What God had created to bring love, to bring unity, to bring acceptance and intimacy.
I fell pregnant for the first time at 17. My son brought me more joy than imaginable. He showed me so much love. But I was left rejected. I was alone with a child to raise. There was this void in my heart that I thought might never be filled. I had my second teenage pregnancy at the age of 19. Again I was left rejected and alone. I would listen to the lies of the enemy telling me how pathetic I was. I was there to be unloved. I was worthless and a failure. I searched for anything. There had to be someone that loved me, right? I found myself in a room filled with worship. I felt warmth like I had never felt before. My heart over flowed with love. I began to flood with tears as I felt the Fathers love cover every part of me. As I began to sing I felt fear lift. I found clarity.
for the first time, i found love. he was there. he had always been there.
He watched me grow as a child, he wept as I wept, he saw my pain. All the lies were torn apart and the truth was unveiled. I found my identity. I was a daughter of the King.
Time passed then I got engaged. I had found him. A man that would love me, that would never again hurt me. We stepped into married life and I thought as though I had worked through the past. I thought I was fully restored. That I would see sex in a new way. How could I not? I trusted this man with all that I had. But for some reason I couldn't let him fully love me. I felt sick every time he told me how he felt, how beautiful I was, how he would do anything for me. How could sex be right now when it has always been so evil? How could it suddenly be used for good?
I felt myself start to let the lies of the enemy fill me again. I was afraid. I was confused. Sex was dirty and destructive. It couldn't possibly be good. It couldn't possibly unite us. It couldn't possibly be something that God had created.
My marriage began to crumble. I pulled away to protect myself. Until my husband held me face and said " I love you, let me love you" he told me I could trust him. We sat, we prayed, we started to let God be the centre of our marriage. I peeled back the layers of my past and let go of the pain and the hurt. I let go of bad mindsets.
i started to see sex for what it was. a full expression of gods love in two people. sex is beautiful. it makes two become one.
God is the God that restores, He brings peace, He brings unity. He must be the head of the marriage and both must trust and lean on him.
No matter your past, It doesn't matter where you came from. God wants this for you, for your marriage or future marriage. He listens to your heart and will restore what has been taken to soon. When we trust Him, when we allow Him to bring healing we see the walls come down. We rise up in the authority of His love. We become deaf to the lies of the enemy and step into all that the Father has instore for us. Rest in Him, find peace in His word. Become victorious in who He says you are, His Daughter. Take back what was stolen.
Kristen is a wife, stylist, blogger and mother to four gorgeous babes! Check out her flawless Instagram @houseoferamiha
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