CONFESSIONS OF A GIRL WITH DADDY ISSUES
My parents separated when I was four and my dad moved interstate. Growing up, I saw him a couple of times a year. My sisters and I would wait by the front door with so much excitement when mum said, "He'll be here in the morning" only to be disappointed when we realised he wasn't going to show up. I would watch my mum hurt for us every time she would have to be the one to say "he's not coming". I would be filled with hope when we spent time together, thinking maybe, he loves me enough to come home. Only to be let down, again.
i so badly wanted to be his little princess and was confused as to why he didn't want me. i became the girl with "daddy issues".
From then until high school I watched men come in and out of my mum's life. None of which were my dad. I watched men flirt with my mum and tell her how beautiful she was, then wake up in the morning to find her crying in the lounge room and it was all my fault. I pushed them away because they weren't my dad. I was mean to them, because they weren't my dad. I threw tantrums and kicked holes in walls, because they weren't my dad. But it didn't hurt them, it hurt her.
I moved to a Christian primary school and my mum started going to Church, and there began her relationship with Jesus. My high school years came around pretty quickly. One guy who I had a crush on would tell me I wasn't cool because I had never kissed a guy. I lost my virginity at the age of 15, because I wanted to be cool. I did it all! From my first kiss to having sex in the space of a couple of months, and not with the same guy and not with just a few. I had no idea what any of it was. I've learned more from Sabrina's blog than I ever did from sex talk's in school.
I wish I listened to my mum who told me to wait until marriage, give yourself to one person only. I never understood any of that until now. Only now, in a marriage where I feel secure and loved do I understand what that really means. Sex is a great thing, to be enjoyed by everyone! But in the boundaries of marriage. In the security of marriage.
Very quickly I dove into the party scene of fake ID's, sex, smoking, drugs, alcohol and a lot of hangovers. I was with guys who I thought wanted a relationship with me, when really, they only wanted one thing, then they were done. I thought that if they asked me to sneak out in the middle of the night, it was because they wanted to be with me.
IF THEY TOLD ME I WAS BEAUTIFUL, THAT MEANT THAT THEY LOVED ME. IF I SLEPT WITH THEM, THEN THEY WOULD LOVE ME, AND I SO BADLY WANTED TO BE LOVED.
I distinctly remember driving home from work one day when I was 17, bawling my eyes out, crying out to God, begging Him to take me away from all this pain. I was so badly done with the heartache and wanted to settle down, get married and have kids. I was over sleeping around and giving myself to guys to only almost be in a relationship. Something in me wanted more. I would always remember the scripture that says 'I have loved you with an everlasting love', but I thought, Jesus, how can You love me! How can anyone love me!? No one is going to want me after what I've done. If You love me with an everlasting love, where are You?
Instead of pursuing a career in basketball and moving to the States, I left Brisbane and met some friends in Perth. We were drinking and partying every night and having the time of our lives. I didn’t need to keep track of what day it was. I was living what I thought was ‘the dream’.
at 18, i fell deeply, madly in love with a boy ben. we were inseparable and i was head over heels. three months later we were pregnant.
All I could think was, what am I going to tell my dad. What is he going to think of me. The next space of time was an emotional roller coaster. While everyone around me was still drinking, smoking, partying, and to me, having the time of their lives, I had to stay in the bedroom. I couldn’t be around that because it was bad for the baby. So, I would cry myself to sleep every night listening to them.
We moved home pretty quickly. His parents were in church and invited us to come along numerous times. We turned them down a lot. Due to bad experiences, I thought church was a building filled with judgmental people and Jesus was lost. However, the more they asked, the more I gravitated. The more I felt a pull and a longing to go. I went along one day to see what it was all about and I'd never been more welcomed and supported before, even though it was obvious I was pregnant and clearly not married. A guest speaker was preaching one night and gave the church an invitation of asking Jesus into their hearts. Sitting in my seat, six and a half months pregnant, my heart was racing, tears were already welling in my eyes and I felt a gentle voice that said, “ I have loved you with an everlasting love, always”. I felt warm, I felt a burden lift off of me, I felt something I had never felt before. For the first time in my life, I felt the true, tangible love I had been searching for and it was Jesus!
Writing this now I remember how hurt I was, how lost I was. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about the love, grace and mercy Jesus has shown me. He rescued me. He showed me the love of a Father. Because of His love and His forgiveness over my past I’ve been able to restore a lost relationship with my own father. I’ve been able to love and forgive myself for the decisions I made and the life that is my past.
I’m now married to Ben and we have two beautiful children together. I’m so in love with each of them and my life is filled with a joy I had never experienced before. It's been almost five years now and looking back at my life I see God's hand over my circumstances through it all. God intervened in my life at a time where I would have seen a lot more devastation than I did.
EVERY DAY I MAKE THE DECISION TO LET JESUS LOVE ME. HE'S TAUGHT ME TO FORGIVE MYSELF AND LET GO.
I’m not saying that my life is easy now that Jesus is in my life. It’s hard and I’m still faced with trials and temptations. I’m still faced with split road decisions, where sometimes, the other path looks pretty and feels good and it might temporarily numb any pain. But, it’s a lonely, self-fulfilling and destructive path. Then, I remember the love only Jesus has shown me. I remember the sacrifice He has made for me. I remember that I am forgiven, that I am LOVED, that I am not alone. The Bible says the devil has come only to steal, kill and destroy, but I have given you life. I’m not saying your life with Jesus will be easy, because it won’t. But it will be worth it. Stay the path.
once upon a time i was a girl with daddy issues, today I am A woman fully REDEEMED and deeply loved.
Written by Jordan Davison.
Jordan is a freelance make up artist, wife to Benjamin and mother to two beautiful boys, Levi and Zion. She is passionate about sharing her story of grace and restoration and hopes to encourage young women to take a hold of life God has called them to have and not settle for second best.