I was only 13 when I had my first kiss. I thought, “I am so cool... I am not frigid like the others.” Who would have thought that my life would just continue on a downward spiral in terms of relationships after that?
My story is one full of partying, drinking, going to music festivals and pretty much doing whatever I liked. I thought I had plenty of time to be God honouring. I figured I wasn’t hurting anyone so therefore I wasn’t technically one of those ‘bad people’ by my standards. I had a Christian upbringing but thought I knew better.
That kiss turned into having boyfriends at school, and I would be pressured into doing more and more stuff I didn’t feel comfortable with but felt obliged. All I wanted was to be loved! My father was imperfect and I was deeply hurt. I started seeking love and acceptance in all the wrong ways. When I got to the age of 15 all of my friends were bragging about how they had already had sex and it was ‘cool.’ I lost my virginity to a man who didn’t deserve to have such a precious gift. He never talked to me again and deep down I was hurt and disappointed at myself.
I was then raped at 16 when I was drunk. I thought it was my fault as I was drunk, despite at the time telling the guy to STOP clearly.
I continued on for a few years with having long term boyfriends. Then after a series of failed relationships I started to drink more and more. I was so broken by men and the way they treated me. I no longer trusted them after all they were just after sex.
At my lowest point all my baggage had caused me to guard my heart to the point I became cold towards men and tried to treat them the way they had to me. I had no self acceptance. My worth became measured on a lie that the better the guy that was interested in me, the more worthy I was.
Thankfully God reached out to me in all His mercy and saw my value and worth. Through a person He told of His unfailing love for me despite my past and from that point on His grace was sufficient and He gave me a completely brand new slate! I couldn’t believe it!
I have never looked back since. Sometimes the enemy tries to throw memories at me and trust me there are a lot, too much for this story. But I know my identity in Christ. I am a new creation, “There is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:1 NKJV
The past is the past, I don’t have to live like the past any longer. Life since has been absolute freedom! I am no longer enslaved to sin and shame. His grace has empowered me to live the life He originally intended for me.
I am still single and waiting for my husband but I am happy now! I have true joy not the counterfeit. Rest in hope that God has got someone on the way for you and He will be better than you ever expected. You will be able to give your all to your husband who is going to value, love and truly appreciate you. God has already taken me many places in ministry and I look forward in hope to the future He has planned for me.
WHAT WOULD I TELL MY 16-YEAR OLD SELF?
Jesus is redemption, He brings life and freedom. He says you are worthy and He loves you very much! There is no condemnation, guilt or shame in Christ Jesus you can receive God’s forgiveness. He is waiting with open arms to show us truth, love and acceptance. One last thing...YOU ARE WORTHY!!!!