I kind of always chased the wrong kind of love. From a young age my sinful nature caused me to believe the lie that I was alone on this earth. Unknowingly I had so much lust in my heart and it slowly manifested. At the age of 11, what began as innocent curiosity quickly turned into an addiction to pornography. It was temporarily fulfilling, but after a couple of years I realized that it made me see people as objects. Instead of feeling satisfied I felt shame and guilt. I became depressed and suddenly had one suicidal thought after another. “Why would anyone love me?” “Why am I so lonely?” I had so many questions and not enough answers!

One night I decided I was going to try and overdose. I turned off all the lights and sat on my room floor, sobbing. I didn’t know my purpose - let alone believe I had one.

That’s when I felt the Holy Spirit was tugging and tapping on the walls I had built up around my heart. I remember feeling like He was saying, “You are my princess. You can’t kill yourself. I love you too much for that.” And so I cried myself to sleep and didn’t try to overdose that night. Life went on and a couple of weeks later I finally rededicated my life to the Lord and (while not perfect or easy) have been living a bold and soulful life since then.

Looking back I don’t even know how I could consider killing myself. My thought process was that because I was so distraught, I could never be fixed and no one would love me. I wish I could have seen how untrue that was!

Total geek, cyber bullied, pastor’s daughter, and homeschooled. Unworthy, unloved, fat, and ugly. Those were the things I identified myself with until I fully received the grace and love of Jesus into my heart.

I HAD TO COME TO UNDERSTAND (THOUGH, I STILL DON'T FULLY COMPREHEND IT) THAT BECAUSE OF HIS LOVE, I AM WORTHY.

Identity can’t and shouldn’t be found in the things I do. Any earthly thing that we do is temporary and could end at any moment. Identity should be found in simply being a child of God. And I get that it’s hard to comprehend or even believe at times! I just try to remember that He has a life of goodness and victory for me (and you!).

The amount of freedom I feel because of the redemption I have been given is unlike any other thing I have experienced. Because of Jesus I am learning to love myself and others fully.

I analyze and think about every. little. Thing. So I wondered how I was going ever going to be able to tell my future husband (or someone I was dating) about my struggle with porn or how I would act with him.

Pornography played into every aspect of my life without me realizing it. As I daily make the choice to choose something better, I find that if I want to make it work with any of my relationships, then I have to bring it all to Jesus. He has a life of freedom and love for me on this earth. It's been the best recovery program I've found.

Fight the new drug is an excellent organization that can provide real statistics of porn usage and recovery programs. 
Check them out. 

wRITTEN BY LILY GaRAY

Lily is a 20-year-old creative curator currently residing in central Florida. If you ever meet her, then you'll hear her say, "Hi. I'm Lily! Like the flower." She loves to sing, write, and do anything that involves creating from your soul.
You can read her blog or hear her music at www.lilygray.com. Photocredit: Scout Ash




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