Disclaimer: This article is presented from a Christian perspective and is intended for individuals who share or are interested in aligning with biblical values. Please be aware that it is not meant to impose these beliefs on others, but rather to offer insights and information for those who may find it relevant.

“How far is too far?” That used to be of the most common questions I’d get asked by Christian teens and young adults alike. They want to know what they can touch, taste, and caress (pre-marriage) before God gets mad or they end up feeling bad.

They’d often say, "So, Pastor Sabrina, where's the line? How far can I actually go?" They expect me to list off a bunch of the raunchy stuff that’s ‘off limits’ outside of marriage and give them a lecture on staying one meter apart at all times. Well, curious friend, listen carefully.

There’s actually NO explicit ANSWER in the Bible, but there’s CERTAINLY a lot of godly truth and wisdom.

And we’re invited to embrace that wisdom and allow our values, worldview, and actions to be shaped by it.

The fact is, the Bible doesn't actually give us a list of sexual acts and experiences that are a-okay while in the dating game and those that are meant just for the honeymoon.

It simply says that sexual intercourse is sacred, intended between two people in the covenant of marriage. It really leaves the rest in 50 shades of grey, which is why we need the Holy Spirit to help guide all our decisions.

We want rules, but God gives us a relationship.

We want to know how far we can go before God gets angry, when in reality it has nothing to do with us displeasing Him and everything to do with Him protecting us (emotionally & physically).

We want laws written on stone, but God carves them on our hearts.

We want external boundaries, but God helps us develop internal convictions.

So, sorry if you were looking for a list of do’s and dont’s. Because God doesn’t give us that, and neither will I! But I will passionately and enthusiastically encourage you to come at it from a completely different angle.

Instead of asking, ‘how far can I go’? Try these as replacements.

God, how can I best navigate this relationship with you as my guide AND LORD OF MY LIFE?

Unlike most people who live by the mantra, “It’s my life, I can do what I want,” a Christian’s disposition is to say, “God, I’m giving you permission to speak into every area of my life, including my love life!” I’m allowing you to shape my mind and my thinking. Even when the world says this is the culture, the status quo, I’m giving you the right to direct my decisions.

Your choices around relationships have nothing to do with earning God’s acceptance, and everything to do with outworking His goodness and letting them shape your values and worldview.

Stop trying to please Him with your behavior and realise He’s already pleased with you if you’re a believer in Jesus.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, saving sex for marriage isn’t a determination of your faith, but an outworking of it. It’s a by-product of knowing God genuinely and walking with Him closely.

HOw are the choices I am making today affecting my future?

Sexologist, Dr. Patricia Weerakon puts it like this, ‘Sexual desire is good and pure when directed towards that person God has given you. It can be perverted and ugly when it’s directed towards dangerous behaviors and objects.” So, don’t just go with the flow. Pause, pray, and think about the choices you’re making.

Over the years, I have comforted dozens of young women as they cried about the heartache and pain they felt after a breakup or a betrayal. Just this weekend, I spent the night in the bathroom with a girl who had found out her boyfriend had cheated on her with a close friend. The glamour of pre-marital sex portrayed in the movies is far different from the reality of it worked out in our lives. I’ve never seen "friends with benefits" end well.

2. Am I HONOURING God, myself, and others in this process?

Are your actions coming from a place of love and respect or selfishness and personal fulfillment? Remember, Christian love is others-focused.

In ‘Boundaries Before Marriage,’ Dr. John Townsend says, “the delaying of gratification teaches something very valuable for marriage; the relationship and doing the best for the other person is more important than self-gratification and sexual expression.”

Self-control isn’t just something you need down the track, it’s a trait worth cultivating now while you’re dating.

Another train of thought that’s worth following is the fact that the person you’re dating right now may not be the person you marry. Technically, that means he or she may be somebody else's future husband or wife. Is your relationship something you’ve kept God in the middle of? Is your desire to love that person the best way that you can? I know a lot of people who’ve looked back with regret (myself included), I am yet to find one who has exercised self-control and wished they had not.

3. Are my thoughts and actions helping me build a strong foundation for a relationship with just one person?

What fires on, wires on. That means that the experiences we have, especially when it comes to our sexuality, have a way of imprinting and staying with us for a long time. In ‘Teen Sex by The Book,’ we see that sex before marriage (especially in young people when the brain is under rapid reconstruction) sets scripts and sears memories onto the hard drive of their mind.

According to its Author Dr. Patricia Weerakon, even one-off sexual encounters release a whole host of chemicals and hormones. Like oxytocin and dopamine (your body’s feel-good chemical). When this happens you form a mini-bond with that person. Multiple mini-bond formations can confuse your brain (and heart). Young people caught up in the culture of one-night stands and casual sex often find that they’re unable to make the commitment necessary for marriage because they’re so accustomed to breaking that connection and seeking the high, rather than the person involved in it.

Using today’s modern technology, scientists have also discovered that sex is far more than just a physical act; it produces powerful, even lifelong changes in our brains that direct and influence our future. Our sexual experiences become part of our beliefs, our wants, our fears, our expectations. Even our psychological makeup is affected by our previous sexual encounters.

4. How much can I keep, not how much can I do.

Instead of asking, ‘how much can I do,’ think about how much you can keep, experience, and enjoy with one person? The world can so often see commitment as a prison, but that’s so far from the truth. When a marriage relationship is healthy and moving in the right direction, it becomes one of the greatest places of security, love, warmth, and pleasure.

From a super practical point of view. Just because it’s not all the way, doesn’t mean it’s not bonding and creating ties between your heart, head, and body. According to the Author of Hooked, “Sexual activity is any intimate contact between two individuals that involves arousal, stimulation, and/or a response by at least one of the two partners. In other words, sexual activity is any intentionally sexual intimate behavior between two partners.”

In other words, if it produces arousal, hit the brakes and pull back. The point isn’t avoiding intercourse, the point is not bonding emotionally, physically, and sexually with someone who isn’t your spouse. Because if it’s not forever, it’s clearly only temporary.