I recently read a blog post that is blowing up the internet.
Well, guess what. I waited until my wedding night to lose my virginity and I am so happy that I did! I had a completely different experience to the one described in the article, as have dozens of other people I personally know (see 10 Virgins)! I think it’s time to shed some light on some of the real issues in her situation and speak up that saving sex for marriage is still a good thing!
Firstly, I do not think this woman is bad or wrong, or needs to be put in her place. Her feelings are valid and my heart aches for her. I am truly sorry that her faith experience was so negative and left such deep wounds. I am sorry that she was made to feel guilty and self-righteous all in the same stroke. I am certain that is not the heart of God. He neither puffs us up with pride when we are on our best behaviour, nor does He tear us apart with guilt and shame when we miss the mark. Those who taught her that failed her. Those that taught her that sex was dirty and wrong did not get that from the bible. Those that said she was guaranteed a perfect marriage because she remained a virgin were inaccurate. People failed her. God didn’t.
Her negative experience had very little to do with “abstinence” and a lot to do with her misconception of God, her skewed view of sexuality and her unrealistic expectations about sex within marriage.
As a pastor and someone who is passionate about sexuality, I strive to reveal Gods truth in an honest, biblical & gracious fashion. God is not anti-sex and people need to know that!
(Note: Regardless of your stance on sexuality or Christianity, your past or future choices, whether you are or aren’t a virgin, your skin colour, your education, your vocation, your looks or your tattoos (I quite happen to like them!), it doesn’t matter; God loves all people!)
I would like to take a moment to highlight a few portions of the blog. I suggest reading the entire article to get the context of my answers. “I waited until my wedding night to lose my virginity and I wish I hadn’t”
Let’s go from the top.
“10-year-old girls want to believe in fairy tales. Take this pledge and God will love you so much and be so proud of you, they told me. If you wait to have sex until marriage, God will bring you a wonderful Christian husband and you’ll get married and live happily ever after, they said.”
Saving sex for marriage is NOT about winning brownie points with God and being a super Christian.
By the sounds of it, that’s exactly what she thought! She had to earn God’s love by being a good girl. She thought her good behaviour would equal His approval. What a terrible misleading of those that were meant to reveal Gods goodness and kindness but instead taught her that her own performance would earn His love. The fact is He loves us unconditionally. Jesus is love! He is grace with skin on. He is not religion or rules or some guy we can only please by obeying every command. He is kind, accepting & gentle. He is NEVER judgmental, harsh or mean. That’s the beauty of grace! We get what we don’t deserve! It’s not karma; do good get good, do bad get bad. It’s the gospel. Good News. Salvation is not about our behaviour, it’s the beautiful exchange of Jesus’ righteousness for our shortcomings.
When we receive His love unconditionally our hearts and our desires begin to change. As we behold Him, we reflect Him. Gods transforms us from the inside out.
My virginity was not a determination of my Christianity. It was an outworking of my Christianity.
I did not do it to please God or other Christians. I did it because I believed God was a loving dad that had my best interests at heart. I believed His word was truth and a guide for getting the most out of life!
"The church congregation applauded my righteousness".
Guess what. No one is righteous no matter how many rules they keep. Basing your righteousness on your own performance is actually self-righteousness & Jesus hates it! Jesus never rebuked sinners. He rebuked those who thought they were good enough for God on their own (Romans 10:3 “Seeking to establish their own righteousness”)!
It seems like being a virgin was more about her and less about God or even about her future partner. It was her identity, her badge of honour, her ego-boost.
None of these motivations are given by God. I remained a virgin until my wedding night because I trusted that God was good. When He gave instruction, it was for my benefit. I saved sex for one man because I (not the church) wanted to give myself to him completely; mind, body and soul.
"I took the pledge and stayed true to it. Where was the blessed marriage I was promised"?
That just sounds crazy to me! There is no such thing as a guaranteed happily ever after and just because you marry as a virgin it doesn’t mean you’ll automatically have matrimonial bliss! That is also nowhere in the bible!
Yes, I think sex is a good part of a healthy marriage but it takes more than one ingredient to bake a cake, right?
A happy marriage takes love, respect, kindness, commitment, forgiveness and the list goes on for days!
"I learned that as a girl, I had a responsibility to my future husband to remain pure for him. It was entirely possible that my future husband wouldn’t remain pure for me, because he didn’t have that same responsibility, according to the Bible".
I don’t know where that idea came from but it’s messed up! The bible is written to all believers and God’s guidance on sexual purity does not just apply to women! It applies to men just as much! I regularly speak to teenagers and young adults about sexuality and it is never just a conversation for the “girls”. Guys, be a man. Be a gentleman. The world needs more young men that will honour women and step up and take the lead.
"I lost my virginity on my wedding night, with my husband, just as I had promised that day when I was 10 years old. I stood in the hotel bathroom beforehand, wearing my white lingerie, thinking, “I made it. I’m a good Christian.” There was no chorus of angels, no shining light from Heaven. It was just me and my husband in a dark room, fumbling with a condom and a bottle of lube for the first time".
No offence but the first time I had sex I didn’t want no angels around. I had a sign on the door saying getting “BUSY” Keep out! The expectation she had on her wedding night was skewed and distorted. I wish she had some better people around her that were honest and had the guts to say don’t compare it to the movies! It’s not like Hollywood! Hollywood is not even like Hollywood. Why do you think they cheat on each other? Because it’s not as “hot and heavy” as we see on the silver screen.
Sex can be awkward. Sex can be uncomfortable. Sex can be fumbling around in the dark for the lube saying, “is it on yet”?
It’s also awesome! It’s exciting, it feels good, it’s fun (and sometimes a little funny)!
But anything takes practice. It takes time to get to know each other, your bodies, what works and what doesn’t. I have a lot more to share but no one needs the visuals.
I had a young bride message me this a few months back.
OK, so it took two months before we could properly have sex. We have been married for eight months now and I have never enjoyed the feel of sex. If anything, it hurts.I just wonder for you was it all fairy tales as everyone expects it should be for both to enjoy or was it strange like mine? Have you heard this before or is it totally weird?
For most people it takes a while for it not to hurt or feel uncomfortable. I have heaps of friends that cried or have said similar things that it took a few months to really get in sync. Few tips I guess. Sorry if this is an over share! Use lots of lube. The more foreplay the better. If something is hurting, change positions. Sometimes the trick is to find a position that doesn’t go in too deep or at the wrong angle. I know some people who it took six months to have sex properly. It is pretty normal. Most people’s first sexual experiences are under the influence of alcohol. In saying that, the more comfortable you become with each other and the more relaxed you are the better. Sex is meant to feel good. It just might take a while to get there. There’s a girl in my 10 Virgins Blog who talks about not being able to have sex for a year. Have a read of what she said. If it's still uncomfortable, maybe go and see your doctor? Sometimes there can actually be something medical going on. Hope that helps. X
The writer of the original blog goes on to say
"When we got home, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. Everyone knew my virginity was gone. My parents, my church, my friends, my co-workers. They all knew I was soiled and tarnished. I wasn’t special anymore. My virginity had become such an essential part of my personality that I didn’t know who I was without it".
When you choose to keep your virginity for marriage, on your wedding night you don’t lose your virginity. You give it. I gave myself to my husband. He didn’t take it. He didn’t steal it. I gave it. The next day he couldn’t wipe the cheesy grin off his face. I didn’t mind. It was a nice feeling knowing I had given something precious to a man worthy of its keeping and who would continue to honour it.
Side note: Please do not think this applies to any form of sexual abuse. I am so sorry if anything has happened to you. I strongly believe that it is NEVER God’s will and an absolutely terrible experience for any person to go through. God can heal and restore all things.
"It didn’t get better. I avoided undressing in front of my husband. I tried not to kiss him too often or too amorously so I wouldn’t lead him on".
To be honest, I like to undress in front of my husband as much as I can without freaking out my neighbours. I want my husband to see my body and want my body. Sometimes I just like to get his attention and I don’t feel obliged to follow through every time he wants a little something something.
But other times, I do give it when I’m not necessarily in the mood because I think real love puts the other person first. I do not agree with her statement:
"When I have sex with my husband, I make sure it’s because I have a sexual need and not because I feel I’m required to fulfil his desires".
Sex is not just about you and your needs, nor is it just about his needs. Like I mentioned, LOVE puts others first.
There are times in my marriage where my husband might really want to do it and others when I really do (and he actually doesn’t)! Real love GIVES not just takes.
"I don’t go to church anymore, nor am I religious. As I started to heal, I realised that I couldn’t figure out how to be both religious and sexual at the same time".
Well, my name is Sabrina. I am a Christian & I like sex. I like it a lot with my husband.
I find him ridiculously good looking and I like to touch his muscles. I am not ashamed of that and I don’t think I should be.
Sex is God’s idea. It’s His invention. Yes, He created you as a sexual being. He also created the context for that to be expressed! A committed relationship. Doesn’t every invention come with instructions? If you buy a toy car you don’t throw it in the pool and pretend it’s a boat? If you buy a lap top you don’t use it as a coffee coaster. All inventions are maximised when used the way they are meant to be used!
God never intended the bedroom to be a place of boredom. Or guilt, or self-consciousness. He also never intended it to be in a public space. It’s private. What you do between the sheets is up to you and your partner.
"It’s your body; it belongs to you, not your church. Your sexuality is nobody’s business but yours".
Bah. Wrong. If you’re a Christian, your sexuality is God’s business. If you’ve said “yes” to Jesus than He wants access all areas. Now remember it comes out of a place of relationship not a place of pressure or performance.
"I would have sex with my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I wouldn’t go to hell for it".
I totally agree.
Sin doesn’t send you to hell nor does good behaviour get you to heaven.
If you believe in this message, share this post and let people know!