I regularly hear people say: "If you don't try before you buy, how will you know what to do or if you're even sexually compatible? "
1. IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO FIGURE OUT
I was a virgin on my wedding night. (As you may have guessed from the title of this blog!)
Did I know what I was doing? No, not really.
Was I freaked out the first time I saw my husband’s man business coming straight at me? Yeah, a little bit.
Was it hard to figure out? Not at all.
Sex is not that complicated.
When people tell me you can’t marry someone you haven’t slept with because they might be bad in bed. I’m like, “Huh?" How is that even possible. The pieces fit together, they were made too! And the truth is, you have to start somewhere, you may as well get good at it with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and not just the one night stand you end up trying to forget.
A few years ago I had this hilarious D&M with a girlfriend of mine. We were celebrating at a friend’s wedding and of course the subject of sex came up. We were like giddy schoolgirls; joking about how we all knew what the bride and groom would be doing later and we wouldn’t be surprised if the reception ended at 9pm.
I leant over to my friend and said excitedly, “That will be you soon.”
She blushed, “I know, can’t wait.”
She had been dating her beau for nearly 3 years and the ring was just around the corner. The conversation continued, “It’s so weird thinking you’re going to actually like "do it" with James; you’re like way too innocent Beccy!” We both chuckled some more.
I went on, “Do you even know what a willy looks like?” (Yes, I used the word “willy”.)
Beccy replied, “It’s like the same size as a tampon right?”
I burst out in laughter, “Times that by like 10.” (Joking!) And then I held up a straw. (Again joking.)
Today this young woman is married and I’m sure she’s found that out for herself. So don’t buy into the lie that you need to know everything. It's ok if you don't really know anything! A blank canvas is easy to paint on. It really doesn’t take long to hit a rhythm and you know what they say, practice makes perfect!
2. Sex is not meant to be selfish
Sex is the most intimate expression of love we can give another person.
Sadly for most people, sex is just about them. Their desires, their needs, their wants. Well real love GIVES, not just takes.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
Young men should be encouraged to be gentlemen in the bedroom and not players. Young woman should feel safe as well as sexy.
3. Choosing a life partner based solely on their performance in the bedroom is absolutely ludicrous.
Yes sex is an important part of a relationship but I don’t think it should be the defining factor on whether you break up with someone or choose to marry him or her. I guarantee that’s why heaps of people actually end up in terrible relationships, because they get in it for the "sex" but want out because they are incompatible on so many other levels.
I’ve never seen a couple that has had “sex” at the center of their relationship go the distance. Statistics actually show that most people that live together don’t end up staying together. I personally think that the closer you get to anyone the more you will see his or her flaws and failures. Marriage makes you work through these issues whereas some kind of casual arrangement gives you an easy out.
4. SEX DOESN'T happen like you see in movies
The truth is... sometimes sex can be awkward and uncomfortable.
I wish someone was honest enough to say, “Don’t compare it to the movies!” It’s not like Hollywood! Hollywood is not even like Hollywood. Why do you think they cheat on each other? Because it’s not as hot and heavy as you see on the silver screen.
Sex can be awkward and uncomfortable. Sex can be fumbling around in the dark for the lube saying, “Is it on yet?”
But it is also AWESOME! It’s exciting, it feels good, it’s fun and sometimes a little funny! But everything takes practice. It takes time to get to know each other, your bodies, what works and what doesn’t. I have a lot more to share but no one needs the visuals.
I had a young bride message me this a few months back:
“OK, so it took two months before we could properly have sex. We have been married for eight months now and I have never enjoyed the feel of sex. If anything, it hurts. I just wonder for you was it all fairy tales as everyone expects it should be for both to enjoy or was it strange like mine? Have you heard this before or is it totally weird?”
“For most people it takes a while for it not to hurt or feel uncomfortable. I have heaps of friends that cried or have said similar things that it took a few months to really get in sync. Few tips I guess. Sorry if this is an over share! Use lots of lube; the more foreplay the better. If something is hurting then change positions. Sometimes the trick is to find a position that doesn’t go in too deep or at the wrong angle. I know some people who it took six months to have sex properly. It is pretty normal. Most people’s first sexual experiences are under the influence of alcohol. In saying that, the more comfortable you become with each other and the more relaxed you are the better. Sex is meant to feel good. It just might take a while to get there. There’s a girl in my ‘10 Virgins’ blog who talks about not being able to have sex for a year. Have a read of what she said. If it's still uncomfortable, maybe go and see your doctor? Sometimes there can actually be something medical going on. Hope that helps. X”
When you’re in a healthy relationship you should feel safe, respected and ok talking about preferences, positions and everything in between.
So next time someone says you have to try before you buy, hit them with a few of these bad boys.