TRUSTING GOD IN THE MIDST OF SICKNESS
In October 2013, at the age of 20, I was diagnosed with a solid pseudopapillary tumor in my pancreas. A diagnosis which turned my world upside down in ways I could have never predicted. In the two weeks following this diagnosis I withdrew from college at Western Kentucky University, leaving my whole life behind.
At the time I thought it for what I thought would only be a few months, yet I never returned.
I moved back home to and underwent a massive all-day surgery called a “Whipple” to remove the very rare tumor amongst many other parts. My surgery was a success and after eight days in the hospital my parents brought me home to begin the long road to recovery.
Less than two months later, I was struck by my first attack with acute pancreatitis. This was thought to be a rare complication from my Whipple, yet, nothing that couldn’t be resolved with some medical attention. On Christmas night we headed back home, unfortunately not for long. Thus, the cycle of unrelenting pancreatitis began– excruciating pain, followed by vomitting despite not having anything to eat or drink all day/days, calling the doctor, driving 45 minutes to the hospital, crying in the ER, FINALLY being admitted, spending some time in the hospital back home for a few days, only to start again.
Pancreatitis is treated through (1) Lots of pain meds (2)Being declared NPO (no drinking or eating) until your pancreatic enzyme levels return to a normal range. Each time I had an attack I would spend several days NPO then slowly introduce liquids and solids to my system. But after a few days at home my pancreas would errupt again, more severely every time. My doctors determined that my pancreas needed a longer period of rest- this is when I got a PICC line in my arm and began TPN (IV nutrition.) After 31 days on TPN alone I took my first bite of food. I remember thinking, “Wow, I can’t believe I went that long without eating..thank you Lord for pulling me through and for your healing! I hope I never have to do this again.”
Unfortunately, about two weeks later I found myself back in the hospital, my pancreatitis wasn’t ready to let go. During this stay, I had surgery to place a feeding tube that would be my sole source of nutrition for, what we hoped, the next two months. I began tube feeds at the beginning of March and stayed on 24-hour feeds, with nothing by mouth other than some clear liquids, for the next 8 1/2 months. My body was not healing the way we so desperately hoped and prayed it would, rather, things continued to get much worse.
Though this time was filled with miserable pain, constant disappointment, confused doctors appointments and great sadness, more importantly, it was also filled with the peace that passes understanding, beauty from ashes moments, the comforting embrace of a loving Savior and treasures that can only be found in the darkness (Isaiah 45:3).
On November 6, 2014, I underwent a total Pancreatectomy, Splenectomy, and Islet Cell Transplant to end the vicious cycle which had made me prisoner to a broken body, and give me a second chance at life.
Now, 2 years post op I’m still a sick person. Pain, fatigue, & major digestive issues plague me constantly. My focus is 100% on healing, trying to teach my body how to eat & digest again (this has been a daunting process & I am still limited to a diet full of puréed/mushy foods), re-entering the world and regaining life, and of course enjoying this new marriage thing!
My soul feels heavy, downcast. I've run out of tears to cry. Yet I need time to process and space to heal, mend, reevaluate, then pick myself back up.
when disappointment hits we must continue marching bravely forward. for he goes before us, is always with us, and will work out his best for us.
None of this heartache changes my faith or my belief in my ultimate Redeemer.
I am shaken yet my trust in the Lord is not.
I am weak but I know He is still strong.
I feel lost but in Him I am found.
Perhaps the theme of God's plan for my life is "Peace in the unknown" and "Piecing together a broken heart by the Healer's hand." His hands that formed my heart are the only hands that can piece it back together.
I TRUST what God says to my heart. I have total confidence in what the Holy Spirit speaks to me through my intuition. I trust my ability to determine what is best for my own body based on how it communicates to me. I cannot lose sight of these things which I know to be true.
In this time of heart healing I cling tightly to these forever truths:
EVERY TEAR I CRY HE HOLDS IN HIS HANDS. THROUGH THE VALLEY HE IS WITH ME. MY CUP OVERFLOWS. THERE IS A GREATER PLAN FOR MY LIFE THAT i CANNOT EVEN FATHOM.
By Mallory Jenkins
Mallory is a 23-year-old Daughter of Christ, born and raised in the Bluegrass, and a newlywed! In October 2013, at the age of 20, she was shockingly diagnosed with a solid pseudopapillary tumor in my pancreas. A diagnosis which turned her world upside down in ways she could have never predicted. She shares her story on her blog "Still Waters". She is an inspiration. If you in any way are struggling with sickness be encouraged by her words of hope.
