CONFESSIONS OF A WOMAN WHO ONCE BEGGED GOD FOR MR RIGHT
It's no hidden secret that we all crave companionship. This desire is natural. But for this desire to stay HEALTHY, it is to be linked with complete TRUST in God that HE will present the right companion at the right time to us. Let me repeat: HE WILL PROVIDE.
we do not have to find, seek out, chase, or compromise our integrity to get the man god has promised to us.
So this is why desire and trust need to be accompanied TOGETHER. If we remove the trust aspect of this (run ahead of God) then this is when desire turns destructive. Let me tell you a little about my story. It started with a 6 foot 7 tall man, chocolate and handsome, a sports athlete and his heart completely in love with the Lords. He was everything I ever dreamed of. I remember seeing him across the stadium at a big church conference lifting his hands in worship (I knew who he was because I had seen him on TV). When I knew he was a Christian, I said to God, "I want him! Please Lord honour me with this! I have been faithful to you! Please Lord!" I should have known from then that sort of begging was a bad sign. I wanted it way, way too much that I stepped out of "peace". Instead of waiting on God and His voice on this, I ran ahead. I sought him out on social media, followed him, inboxed him and there it began. We spoke everyday for a few weeks. It was amazing conversation. We spoke about God, deep topics, love, he made me laugh uncontrollably, I was falling for him. It's funny because I know we had never met face to face, but I grew this deep connection and tie towards him. I would pray and thank God for him and say, "This is everything I've ever wanted!" Even though I was happy, something in my spirit was disturbed. I remember driving late one night and I said to God, "If this man is not for me then give me a sign". In that moment I drove past a street name which said his LAST NAME and another sign right after it that said, "dead end". Talk about being discrete, Lord! LOL.
see, this is where it gets destructive.
when we pray for a sign and the lord shows us the answer. we are to be obedient to this and release the situation to him.
If we don't we give the devil room to step in and use it for destruction. Disobedience on our behalf removes Gods protection over that particular situation. I decided to ignore the signs God gave me and continued to pursue this man. So, I woke up one morning and he had randomly blocked me. Removed me from every social media site and blocked my number on his phone. (Why? What had I done? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not funny? Did I say something wrong? I'm ugly. I have a bad personality because he doesn't like me. I'm not good enough. There's something wrong with me. I had to be perfect for him and I wasn't. Why couldn't you have been better, Jessica?) This was my mind for 2 years after that day. I went into a spiraling depression over him. It was the unhealthiest back slide. If a sports commercial came onto the TV I would emotionally and mentally break down. I didn't want to get out of bed for over a year. I made a fake account on Instagram so I could go on his page everyday and I was on it religiously. This was all because I ran ahead of God and didn't listen to the signs.
You could say to me, "Jess, you only spoke to him for a few weeks, you didn't even meet him, your behaviour is stupid!" Well maybe, but you have to remember the devil has his hand on everything that is OUTSIDE of God. And when you step outside of Gods turf to get something, you step into the enemies turf. It's his playground and he will come at you with everything he's got. I think sometimes the main thing that send us crazy is the questions, "What happened?", for me it was "Why did they do what they did?" and "Why didn't they speak to me again?" I just wanted that answer from him. I felt like if I had the answer I could finally put it to rest and be at peace. But, the truth is, why should an answer from a man that didn't want me be the source to what gives me peace? Why should an answer from anything but GOD be the source to my peace, really?
So what happened? Praise God I received healing. At church one morning they did an an alter call for those who felt broken. I raced to the front, fell to my knees and as I got prayed over I felt the presence of God wash over me like a FLOOD. Freedom. Finally. In that moment I felt The Lord whisper this to me. "Isaiah 26:3 - You will keep her in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You."
when your mind is taken off god and onto something not of him, perfect peace is stolen from you. perfect peace is what holds us.
Perfect peace sustains our sanity. Perfect peace remains with us, keeping us emotionally together and whole. Perfect peace allows us to remain joyous everyday. Perfect peace binds the little broken pieces of our soul. Perfect peace.. Is God.
My sisters, keep your mind on HIM. Read the red letters in your Bible. Immerse yourself in worship. Run to the front when there is an alter call. Don't miss the opportunity to get into His presence because it's there where there is complete healing! It's there where beautiful restoration is! It's there where our mind and hearts are made anew.
If I could go back in time and tell myself something, I would say. "Jesus loves you too much to let you fall to your knees and beg Him for a man. But if you ever find yourself on your knees, let it only be at the foot of the cross, in perfect peace."
Be blessed. Jessica X
Jessica is a 25 year old Australian speaker who is the founder of an online women's ministry, "The Worthy Woman" which is now reaching people from all across the world. Jessica is passionate about Jesus and speaking into the lives of women about worth, identity and purpose in Christ and pressing into all that God has destined for them and their future.