QUESTION: "HOW DO I KNOW IF HE'S THE ONE?"

Hi Sabrina,

I just read your blog 'Message to the Christian, unmarried, non-virgin' and I really liked reading your response to those girls emails and I'd just like to share what's going on in my life at the moment and maybe get some advice from you? Hope that's okay!

Theres a guy at the chruch who's my age (19) and asked me if I wanted to hang with him. As I am still looking for a job I'm free as a bird so I said yes and we just hung out and talked. Since then we've been hanging out a lot more. He's been to my house and my parents seem to like him.

I should mention that I've never had a proper boyfriend before (really embarrassing to admit!) so having him in my life is exciting for me but also kinda scary. Like I have NO idea what I'm doing.

Anyway awhile ago we were having coffee and he told me some things he had done in the past like drinking, smoking, drugs, moved out of home, didn't go go school and didn't talk to his family. That kind of doesn't bother me because I know the person he is now and he's changed a lot. He talks about how God saved him from all that and he's so thankful for it. Like I get blown away when I see him praying and worshipping. 

The other day he rang me out of the blue and asked if we could talk. I got to his house and he came straight out and said that he had made out with one of the girls at church a month before I moved to Adelaide. He said it only happened once and they said it couldn't happen again. He said it wasn't fair on me if I didn't know and he's felt pretty guilty about it since I came along. He was really emotional when he was saying it which shocked me a bit. I said to him that because it was before I even got here that it wasn't a big deal. The girl he made out with is a girl that I'm slowly becoming friends with. He then told me he really liked me and wanted us to be together. I told him I felt the same way but want to keep getting to know him first.

I'm obviously a virgin and hearing some of the things he's done in the past makes me think he might not be (He told me he had a girlfriend during those times). I've grown up in a Christian home my whole life and so I really believe in saving sex until marriage. I've always imagined myself being with a guy who also wanted to save sex until marriage and now I've met this guy and it's really got me confused! He is a really good guy and has an amazing heart but I feel a little uneasy sometimes. 

As I haven't had a real relationship before I wasn't really sure how to react. The truth is I know I have feelings there but they aren't as strong as his. I want to wait until I know for sure how I feel before anything happens between us. I just hate how nervous and clueless I feel! This is all new to me and I don't want to make the wrong decision. I've been praying about it a lot but I struggle to hear Gods voice.

This is probably the longest email I've ever written. I just saw your blog and thought that I'd love to get another opinion on this. Sorry if this is too much or just really random.. Thank you so much for reading this if you did! 

Love, Amber

ANSWER

Hey Amber,

Nice to hear from you babe. I’ll try my best to give you some wisdom. You can take it or leave it. How old did you say you were babe? That will greatly impact the advice I give you. I think if you are under 18 the best thing to do is take things slow!

So that means not talking about feelings, potentially dating etc, future together. You don’t have to be dating someone to get intimate (emotionally of physically). And honestly anything in your teen years can get messy quickly. If you do end up getting married there is no harm in waiting.

If you’re older than that when it comes to this guy I think one of the smartest things you can do is talk to parents/pastors/leaders about what is going on. So what you are feeling, what you are wanting etc. Teenagers often find themselves in trouble when they hide things and make decisions on their own. Do you have Youth Pastors? I know sometimes it can be awkward talking to parents. But yours sound great! And if they are pastors even better!

It’s really great to hear that this guy has turned his life around! But it’s a good idea to see him under pressure. My pastor said to me before I was married. When you choose someone to date make sure you have seen them on a bad day. What are they really like? 

I hope that helps honey. There is heaps of more stuff up on the blog that should be able to help you out too x

 


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