A few years ago, I stumbled across a relationship model called the Triangular Theory of Love, and it struck me to the core! It just made sense, and gave me language to what I feel like I had been pursuing in my own relationship. Fast forward a few years, and it’s a model I often share with couples in the therapy room.

Originally proposed by psychologist, Robert Sternberg, the triangular theory of love is a conceptual framework that seeks to understand the complexities of romantic relationships.

At its core, this theory suggests that love can be broken down into three fundamental components; intimacy, passion, and commitment.

According to Sternberg, each of these elements plays a crucial role in shaping the nature and dynamics of love. Let’s break it down together!

1. Intimacy

Intimacy refers to the emotional closeness and connection shared between two people in a romantic relationship. It involves feelings of warmth, trust, and vulnerability, as well as the willingness to share one's innermost thoughts and feelings with a partner.

Intimacy fosters a sense of closeness and understanding between partners, laying the foundation for a deep and meaningful bond.

2. Passion

Passion encompasses the intense physical and sexual attraction experienced in romantic relationships. It is characterised by feelings of desire, excitement, and arousal towards one's partner.

Passion fuels the initial spark of attraction and infatuation, driving individuals to seek physical closeness and intimacy with their loved one.

3. Commitment

Commitment represents the decision to maintain and invest in the relationship over time. It involves dedication, loyalty, and perseverance, as well as the willingness to work through challenges and conflicts together.

research shows that Commitment is essential for the long-term sustainability of a relationship, as it provides stability and security for both partners.

In the context of the Triangular Theory of Love, different combinations of these three components give rise to distinct types of love.

Liking/Friendship: This type of love involves the presence of intimacy alone. It's characterised by feelings of warmth, closeness, and mutual understanding without necessarily involving romantic or sexual attraction. Liking/friendship is often the basis for platonic relationships, where individuals share personal thoughts and experiences without romantic involvement.

Infatuation: Infatuation is marked by the presence of passion alone. It's an intense, often short-lived emotional state characterized by strong physical attraction, desire, and excitement. Infatuation can lead to obsessive thoughts about the object of desire and a focus on physical appearance and attraction rather than deeper emotional connection or commitment.

Empty Love: Empty love occurs when there is only commitment without intimacy or passion. This might manifest itself if love-less marriages or relationships where the initial passion and emotional connection have faded away, leaving only a sense of duty or obligation to maintain the relationship. It lacks the emotional closeness and physical attraction seen in other types of love.

Romantic Love: Romantic love involves a combination of intimacy and passion. It's characterised by emotional closeness, shared experiences, and physical attraction. Romantic love often leads to intense feelings of connection and desire, as individuals feel deeply bonded to their partner both emotionally and physically.

Companionate Love: Companionate love combines intimacy and commitment without strong passion. It's characterized by deep friendship, mutual respect, and a sense of commitment to the relationship's longevity. Companionate love often develops in long-term relationships where the initial passion may have waned, but the emotional connection and commitment remain strong.

Fatuous Love: Fatuous love involves passion and commitment without intimacy. It's characterised by a whirlwind romance or a quick decision to commit without the development of a deep emotional connection. Examples might include couples who quickly get engaged or married based solely on physical attraction or infatuation without taking the time to develop a strong emotional bond.

According to the triangular theory of love, consummate love encompasses all three components—intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Consummate Love: Consummate love represents the ideal combination of all three components—intimacy, passion, and commitment. It's characterized by deep emotional connection, intense physical attraction, and a strong commitment to maintaining the relationship over time. Consummate love requires ongoing effort and communication to balance the various aspects of the relationship and sustain long-term happiness and fulfillment.

I don’t know about you, but that’s the kind of love I’m after! One that intertwines a balance of emotional closeness, physical attraction, and long-term commitment between husband and wife.

Understanding the Triangular Theory of Love can provide valuable insights into the dynamics of romantic relationships and help you understand the areas of growth in your own partnership.

Think about it this way, when we start recognising how intimacy, passion, and commitment play into our relationships, it's like finding the missing puzzle pieces. It's about incorporating these elements in a way that feels natural, like you're just adding a little extra spice to the mix.

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THE TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE