Conflict is an unavoidable part of any relationship, but how we handle it can make all the difference.
In my role as a therapist, I've seen the transformative power of skilful conflict resolution on both individuals and couples. Conversely, I've also witnessed the anguish and distress that results from navigating conflict with no guidelines.

These rules are not about winning arguments but about fostering understanding and growth.

My hope is they empower you with the tools to build a strong and loving relationship you desire.

1. Self-Reflection

Before engaging in a disagreement, it's essential to take a moment for introspection. Ask yourself why you're feeling upset. Is it because your partner left dirty dishes in the sink, or does it connect to a broader concern, such as the distribution of household responsibilities? Reflecting on your own emotions is a crucial step before entering into any argument.

2. Focus on One Issue

When addressing conflicts, focus on one issue at a time. Avoid letting a minor concern, like clothes on the floor, spiral into unrelated grievances like excessive phone use. Staying on topic is key to maintaining a productive and respectful conversation.

3. Avoid Degrading Language

In the spirit of healthy communication, refrain from using degrading language. Instead of attacking your partner's character, concentrate on the issue at hand. Avoid put-downs, profanity, or name-calling, as these only escalate tensions and distract from the actual problem.

4. Express Emotions Verbally

Express your emotions verbally. Use "I" statements to communicate your feelings effectively, taking responsibility for your emotions. For example, say, "I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls" or "I feel scared when you yell." Starting with "I" promotes personal accountability while respecting the other rules of fair fighting.

5. ActiveLY Listen

Practice active listening by taking turns speaking. Give your undivided attention when your partner is talking. Refrain from making corrections or planning your response while they speak. Aim to understand their viewpoint, even if you disagree. If you struggle with interrupting, consider using a timer to allocate equal speaking time.

6. Avoid Stonewalling

Avoid stonewalling, which involves withdrawing and refusing to engage in the discussion. While this may provide temporary relief, it leaves the original issue unresolved and your partner feeling unheard. If you need a break, communicate this to your partner, and agree on a time to resume the conversation.

7. No Yelling

Yelling is counterproductive in conflict resolution. It does not facilitate understanding or empathy but, rather, asserts dominance. Even if it appears to intimidate your partner into submission, it exacerbates the underlying problem.

8. Take Time-Outs

In situations where emotions run high, it's advisable to take a time-out. Ideally, we would adhere to these rules consistently, but in reality, emotions can cloud judgment. A time-out allows both parties to cool down. Agree on a specific time to revisit the issue when everyone is calmer.

9. Strive for mutual Understanding

Strive for compromise or mutual understanding. Recognise that not all conflicts have a perfect solution. Life can be complex and messy. Aim for a middle ground where both parties can make concessions if necessary. If compromise remains elusive, investing the effort to comprehend your partner's perspective can help alleviate negative emotions.

In the end, it's the shared commitment to these principles that transforms conflicts from potential pitfalls into stepping stones towards stronger and more fulfilling relationships.

Remember that it's not about avoiding disagreements but about navigating them with respect, empathy, and open hearts.