THE PARADOX OF MARRIAGE
A paradox can be defined as a statement, situation, or concept that appears to be self-contradictory or logically impossible, yet upon closer examination, reveals a deeper truth or unexpected insight. I dare say, marriage consists of many, fusing antithetical elements that somehow simultaneously co-exist.
Author Timothy Keller, frames it like this, “On one hand marriage is an absolute source of joy, love, security and on the other it can be a great cause of pain, disappointment, anger and sadness.”
If you’re married, I’m sure you’d agree. Marriage can be both beautiful and difficult.
this is a tension to be managed, not a problem to be solved.
So what does that look like? I’m definitely no expert, but I believe the first step exists in acknowledging the tension, then playing our part in managing it the best we can.
1. Marriage is both fulfilling and frustrating.
Often, we cling to this notion that if something is good, it should be easy, but that’s rarely the case. Particularly within the context of marriage. While marriage can be deeply fulfilling, it can also serve as a genuine arena for experiencing pain, heartache, and disappointment.
Because it's impossible to coexist intimately with another person without embracing vulnerability, AND WITH VULNERABILITY COMES great RISK.
When you give someone your heart, you also give them the ability to pierce it more deeply than any one else. Frankly, there have been very few people who have said or done things to hurt my feelings or let me down like my husband has (and vice versa). On the contrary, there is no one in the world who has loved me, cherished me, grounded me and comforted me like he has. Vulnerability carries the potential for pain, yet it's the fertile ground where authentic intimacy blooms.
marriage entails both risk and reward, pain and pleasure.
Consider the process of pearl formation, where an irritant, such as a grain of sand, prompts the oyster to secrete layers of coating, eventually resulting in a beautiful pearl; similarly, marriage, through its challenging aspects, has the potential to foster growth, teaching us to be gracious, forgive, and mature as we navigate frustrations and disappointments with our spouse.
No grit, no pearl. No friction, no growth.
2. Marriage changes you, by challenging you
Marriage frequently serves as a pressure cooker, laying bare our profound dysfunctions and underlying insecurities, shedding light on aspects of ourselves that we can often hide from friends or colleagues.
I’ve written about this a few times. But I’ll share it again for context. In the early days of my marriage, I often found myself saying to my husband Ben, "Seriously, you make me so mad, I've never felt like this before!” (And that was the truth). But it had very little to do with Ben and much more to do with me. What was inside of me (unresolved trauma and distorted expectations of myself and others) just came out. In the same way when you squeeze a tube of toothpaste, toothpaste comes out. What lies beneath the surface often comes to light when external pressure is applied
Childhood wounds, negative thought patterns, bad attitudes and emotional triggers can turn you into a potential minefield, just waiting to explode – something I can certainly relate to during the early years of my marriage. But it doesn’t have to be that way. If you’re brave enough to face your shadow, not turn from it.
because Nothing matures character like marriage.
In a lot of ways marriage can make you better by bringing out your worst. Think of the way a precious metal is refined. It’s put over the top of intense heat and the impurities simply rise to the surface and are wiped off. When selfishness or hurt rise to the surface, instead of blaming the other person or pushing it back down, see it, own it, acknowledge it and then allow God to heal your heart and renew your mind. Two things He is so good at doing!
3. Marriage TEACHES YOU TO GAIN, BY GIVING
Again, Author Timothy Keller expounds on this so beautifully in his book, ‘The Meaning of Marriage.’ “The deep happiness that marriage can bring, then, lies on the far side of sacrificial service in the power of the Spirit. That is, you only discover your own happiness after each of you has put the happiness of your spouse ahead of your own, in a sustained way, in response to what Jesus has done for you. Some will ask, “If I put the happiness of my spouse ahead of my own needs—then what do I get out of it?” The answer is—happiness. That is what you get, but a happiness through serving others instead of using them, a happiness that won’t be bad for you. It is the joy that comes from giving joy, from loving another person in a costly way.”
Happiness in marriage lies on the other side of sacrifice and selflessness.
Now, don’t hear what I’m not saying. No person should ever be walked over, mistreated, used or abused. I’m simply saying a selfish marriage, will never be a happy one. It requires both partners to be willing to give, willing to prefer and willing to let go of, “it’s my way or the highway” kind of attitude. A healthy relationship unavoidably entails self-denial.
When the Bible speaks of love, it measures it primarily not by how much you want to receive but by how much you are willing to give of yourself to someone. In sharp contrast to our culture, the Bible teaches that the essence of marriage is a sacrificial commitment to the good of the other. Throughout history there has been a monumental shift to peoples mindsets around marriage. Instead of finding meaning through the giving up of one’s freedom and binding oneself to the duties and parameters of marriage and family, marriage has been redefined as a “me first” relationship. What’s in it for me? How does it benefit my life? In modern relationships, people have moved towards looking for partners who make their lives more fulfilling. But the fact is, a relationship only thrives when self-centredness dies.
I feel like falling in love is easy, effortless almost. But staying (and growing) in love actually takes time and requires far more intention and energy.
Consider a garden, which requires care, regular attention, watering, and weed removal to thrive; similarly, a relationship lacking connection and intentional effort will deteriorate.
"Falling in love" predominantly revolves around how the other person makes us feel, with the focus on our emotions. Attraction, sparks, chemistry, and the fireworks, all of which are wonderful, often steal the spotlight in this process
But real love, deep love, evolves, adjusts and grows over time. It’s often proven in the absence of the instant physiological fireworks and anchored firmly in commitment, companionship, vulnerability and self-sacrifice.
Most people fall in love with the idea of a person, but marriage thrusts you into the reality of who that person actually is! And that’s both the challenge and the reward. Because deep down we were built for this kind love. A kind of love where we are truly known, yet fully accepted.
Love grows on the hard days, not the easy ones.
Love grows when you cry tears of pain, not just tears of joy.
Love grows when you see each other’s flaws and frailty up close, yet you lean in, not away.
falling in love might be a rollercoaster, but growing in love is the most grand adventure.
about sabrina
Sabrina is a pastor and provisional psychologist, passionate about healthy relationships, spiritual growth and emotional well-being. She is married to Ben and mum to Liberty and Lincoln.
